I'm not okay

Because I'm the eldest one, so I have to understand my parents. Seeing them get pressure about work, bout money, I feel my heart pain. I always been force to face something that, usually a sixteen years old girl won't face one. I don't know whether how to do when I face so much bloody things happened, I used to cried every night to express my feelings. But now when I wanna cry, my tears won't out easily like last time, is it that I am trying to force myself to be strong ? :(

I'm getting bigger, I've be more mature than before. But I feel the pressure getting more and more. The annoy things always appear on my mind. They can't just solve easily, so I am trying to face it. But I always gonna run away from it, I don't want face the fact. I scare. I scare nightmare or my scar wouldn't cover anymore, I scare the bloody things gonna happened again. I fake my smile, I try not to care, hear, and look about it. I force myself to let everybody thought I'm a noisy stupid idiot person. But actually I'm not, I'm totally a faker of my life. :')

I don't think someone will understand my feelings. My scar come from family, friendship and love. This three male me feel so tire. I also have to face those study pressure, club, and even work. I am trying to be busier than before. I seriously dunno what should I do for this. Can you believe I always cry when I'm asleep ? Can you imagine how pressure am I ? I know someone gonna say ' hello you're just sixteen years old, you think your pressure heavier than mine ? ' But what I wanna tell you is, I just wanna express my feelings so please STFU.

I'm not okay at all. </3

Bye bye asshole :)

To someone that I used to love, and now the one who I call asshole. Bye bye from my LIFE  :D I've so happy that you won't appear on my home page anymore. You know what ? You are sucks ;) 

You told me that you like me, ahahahaha. So wtf. I'm like oh okay .____. Get my phone number cause at first I thought you're a nice person. Seriously, I've think back of it, I feel wanna vomit on your face cause fuck why   I trusted you ? -.- You're so fucking bloody. 

You told me you have no girlfriend, I thought I met someone nice -.-V But then again you put your relationship status as married with a girl. You told me that was a joke, and your family knew her, so that you can. AHAHAHAHAHA. And I BELIEVED IT. I'm so that stupid. Blah. And then you still lie me for you was a playboy before. When I ask you, you admitted that you were. And you still promise that you will change. Waaaaaa. What a big promise ha ? ;) Luckily I don't put so much hope on you. 

Never mind, I told you wait me half year, you said you okay with it. I thought you were really nice. But that again I always saw you flirting around with girls, and is a lots of girls. Kanasai. You this liar. I should believe what you ex told me, you're a playboy and love flirting around. She still help you and told me that you're quite good. :(   I feel I'm that bad and wrote this post. But seriously what you are an asshole. You get it ? I don't care. Fuck you dog ! :D

Am I rude ? YES. EH. YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND LIAO. DON'T EVER FIND ME AT THE MIDNIGHT ! You seriously shouldn't be a boy. Can't you go die ? I hate you to the max. Pity to the girl whoever together with you, I'm seriously hope can help them slap you :) From now on, you're like dead in my life. I dunno you, please seriously pretend dunno me as well. Bye bye ASSHOLE. 

I feel so peaceful right now, cause my life is without you :3

8 个月。

给你们介绍一首歌，让你们飙泪下 :b

你说的话，在我心中生了根

爱得很深，所以心很疼

记忆。在我的心中翻滚

是不是每一个人，都像我一样笨

只怕再问，对彼此都太残忍

我能感觉，另外一个人

我等，等笑容换成泪痕
爱在崩溃的时候，比较真

太多疑问，知道答案又如何

原来容忍不需要天份，只要爱错一个人

心痛比快乐更真实，爱为何这样的讽刺

我忘了这是第几次，一见你就无法坚持
孤独比拥抱更真实，爱让人失去了理智

会不会是我太自私，拒绝更寂寞的日子
放不开，也看不见未来

难道这种不完美，才是爱情真实的样子 ♥

顺带一提

都已经过了 8 个月，我到底还在不在意？

脑袋里只会一直出现 4 个字, 那就是

我 不 知 道

因为我看到他，心跳不会再像以前一样那么快

我看到他的状态一换，我不会再担心他。

他怎样的讽刺我，心都不会再有一点痛

看见他难过，我不想再安慰

偶尔巧遇他，就学他那一套，我们互不相识。

朋友谈起他，心里不会再那么不舒服。

看见他的简讯，再也没有喜出望外，反而多了一份无奈。

看见他去和其它女生搞暧昧，不是吃醋，而是觉得他还没有长大。

我不知道是不是习惯没有他的生活，所以我才会这样的看开。

只是偶尔回忆会在某个时段，不断的涌现出来

我不知道我是怀旧，眷恋，还是思念

心里好像还有一种遗憾没有被解开，是什么结，我也不清楚

总觉得自己的思想很混乱，很复杂，很想大哭来释放这种不安的悲伤

我是不是很怕被寂寞吞噬？还是我想太多？

我这个人擅长逃避，所以遇到这种情绪

我尽可能的让自己变得很忙很忙，然后假装你看见的我是处于很 high 的状态

然后转回正题，我不知道我还是不是像 8 个月之前那么喜欢他

告诉我，我现在到底处于什么状态？我都快把自己给搞疯了

不要叫我不听，不看，不闻，不问

就能把事情解决了

因为我已经从中失败得一塌糊涂了

我到底，该怎么做？

顺其自然。

一份爱会出现裂痕 两个人都要负责任

有些成长来自承认  我终于挣脱怨与恨
年轻总习惯去争论  要别人照我的剧本
满身伤痕  才知道悲哀是互不信任
不在乎的眼神内心悄悄破损
在午夜的时分被一个梦给拆穿  没忘记那个人

我试着让生活变得清淡  对幸福或寂寞顺其自然
偶尔傻傻孤单  偶尔傻傻浪漫
不怕大喜大悲那么难负担
不想再背负太多期盼
对好奇或关心顺其自然
只是那点不安  只是那点心酸
总会忽然扩散   让心又累又茫然 

一份爱会出现裂痕   两个人都要负责任
有些成长来自承认  我终于挣脱怨与恨
年轻总习惯去争论   要别人照我的剧本
满身伤痕才知道悲哀是互不信任
每一次记忆的翻腾既美好也残忍
思念让旧情有余温   将我困在早应该要离开的空城

我试着让生活变得清淡   对幸福或寂寞顺其自然
偶尔傻傻孤单偶尔傻傻浪漫
不怕大喜大悲那么难负担
不想再背负太多期盼
对好奇或关心顺其自然
只是那点不安只是那点心酸
总会忽然扩散   让心又累又茫然 

我试着让生活变得清淡   对幸福或寂寞顺其自然
偶尔傻傻孤单  偶尔傻傻浪漫
不怕大喜大悲那么难负担
不想再背负太多期盼
对好奇或关心顺其自然
只是那点不安  只是那点心酸
总会忽然扩散   让心又累又茫然 
期望有人陪伴

这首歌的歌词虽然一直重复，但我看到第一句

心，就已经漏了两拍。

可能我天生就多愁善感，看到那种会让人感到悲哀的词句

会觉得这词写得真好，我的心有很多很多感慨。

现在我真的对许多事情都抱着顺其自然，就很像突然一夜之间长大

我不是为赋新词强说愁，而是真的觉得这样的我

过得比较坦然 :)

最希望的莫过于，有一个懂我的人陪伴我 :')

我, 真的很想他.

我还很想他.

看见他的档案, 我还是会情不自禁的坐在电脑前面一整天,

就为了看他有没有更新状态, 或者有没有关于他的讯息.

我还很想他.

我会翻开手机的收信箱, 然后一遍又一遍的念我们以前甜蜜的简讯,

就这样念着念着, 然后不要脸的哭了起来.

我还很想他.

我会一直重复的打一篇很长的简讯, 删了又删, 改了又改, 

却不敢按下发送键, 因为我怕他觉得我很烦.

我还很想他.

我没删除他的照片, 只是把它们放进一个文件夹, 名为思念, 

就为了安抚我, 以后都不会再和他见面的情绪.

我还很想他.

看见我们以前的合照, 我的嘴角还会上杨微笑,

但同时却热泪盈眶, 因为我知道我们回不去那段开心的日子.

我还很想他.

每当睡觉前, 都会抱着他送给我的玩偶,

然后就在迷迷糊糊中, 哭着睡着.

我还很想他.

我会自己一个人去游乐园, 去玩我们曾经一起玩的游乐设施,

就当是想找回, 最初属于自己的快乐.

我还很想他.

每当别人谈起关于他的话题, 心会突然掉了两拍,

然后以笑带过, 就骗他们说我已经不爱他了. 

其实, 我还很想他

遇见他还演侃侃而谈,  就这样掩盖我还爱他的事实,

然后就一直忍着可能会在他面前大哭的情绪, 回家后抱着枕头哭.

我其实从来都没有忘记过, 曾经属于我们的天长地久.

只是我一直在压抑着, 这些对我来说是懦弱的情绪表现.

我很傻的以为

不听, 不看, 不问, 不闻

就可以掩盖所有对他的思念, 对他的眷恋

但是我失败了

因为

我真的很想他.